Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
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The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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