I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
