You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
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