did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
