i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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