you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
