i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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