I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
