Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
