Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
