I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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