Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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