i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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