There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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