I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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