Me. At least after what I've been through.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Shame - the story of my life.
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