You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
