My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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