I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
