so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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