I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
