dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
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well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
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I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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