Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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