Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
