I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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