this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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