did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
