Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
