I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
