theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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