My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
