Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
