3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
