i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
