having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
