I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
