Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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