I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
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Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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