I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
