I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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