i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
