I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
