my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
