Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
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It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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