I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
