Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I intend to get homeless drunk
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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