just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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