yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
