Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
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The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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