Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
