I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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