We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
