how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
