Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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