Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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