I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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