don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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