So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
