my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
