i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Found the puke drawer
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
