Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
