never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
