I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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