From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
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