I just gift wrapped bread.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
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well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
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I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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