I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
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Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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