My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
